Not Even Homeland Security Will Take Fruit Cake

December 6. 2011

Exhibit A: Americans' aversion to fruit cake, as told by the "Fruit Cake" song, which is one dead wrong musical parody of legendary Sam Cooke's music.

Over the years in America, I have seen sitcom after sitcom mock the fruit cake, which is not fair (ok, some deserve it, as a fruit cake should not be able to anchor a ship). I've seen some good fruit cakes in America, then again I've seen a few fruit cakes that looked so lumpy, I wondered how one would digest something of said consistency, as it looked like it would take out one's insides on the way out and possibly back up the septic system. What am I saying, this one looks like it came out of the septic system:

"Bad Fruitcake" courtesy of This Is Real Life

Turns out, not even Homeland Security, who once took the diaper (nappy) off a senior citizen, wants to take fruit cake (Traveling with Food or Gifts). This is a shame. Jamaicans love fruit cake, but it is made differently according to island customs, pardon the pun. All the fruits and candy peel you see on an American fruit cake, are blended in a blender, then baked (aides in digestion and prevents choking as well LOL). Not to mention, it is baked with Jamaican rum, with more Jamaican rum poured over it when the cake is finished baking. Yes, really, Jamaican rum, which coincidentally cost the British battles on the island centuries ago (they got distracted by the rum...and the women). 

In closing, for a smoother fruit cake this holiday season, you may want to change things up a bit by blending the fruits in a blender, then baking it with the rest of the fruit cake mixture, which will give you a nice, flavorful cake.