...Sort Of...The Questions Interviewers Are Scared To Ask

Questions for candidate John Edwards:

Edwards (left) Kerry (right)

1. I read you paid $400 out of campaign funds for what is essentially a $12 haircut. Ever heard of Super Cuts? Just trying to save you some money. You're welcome.

2. Do you think spending $400 on a haircut makes the public wonder just what your spending would be like if you were elected? Think about that.

3. After being on the ticket with John Kerry in 2004 and losing by millions of votes, do you think you stand a snowball's chance in...

4. Why didn't you stand up to Ann Coulter, apparently known on the internet as "Anthrax," when she called you the F word. Why did you send your woman out to fight for you? I think you could take Ann...maybe...

Questions for candidate Hillary Clinton:

1. Are you a lesbian?

2. Are you a switch hitter?

3. Are you a "femi-nazi" like you are called on the net?

4. Did you emasculate Bill Clinton?

5. Does Bill still have the number for Hooters on speed dial?

6. Reports surfaced last week that the Secret Service arrested someone outside Senator Barack Obama's hotel, for stalking him and being a possible physical threat A/K/A assassination attempt. Girl, was that you?

7. Have you ever "inhaled" as your husband calls it?

Questions for candidate Barack Obama:

1. How does it feel being the first black candidate to make it this far in a U.S. presidential race without getting shot?

2. You beat Hillary "Billary" Clinton in fundraising, which could not have gone over well with her. Are you scared she might body slam you?

3. Was that Hillary outside your hotel being arrested by the Secret Service as a possible physical threat? Just asking.

4. You are a member of a very liberal Christian church, which to some is an oxymoron. Your church has ordained openly gay ministers, against the policies of many Christian churches. Do you think this contradicts the Bible and teachings of Christ, which forbids homosexuality, but offers forgiveness if there is repentance (change in conduct)?

5. I read an article that stated you used to go to an Islamic mosque when you were younger. Do you still espouse those beliefs?

6. Do you think being a mixed race black helps you in any way in running for president? People can be really funny that way and unjustifiably so. While you can't control that, honestly, do you think it has helped you?

7. Are you expecting some horrific story, made up or otherwise, to surface about you, because you've made such strides in your campaign?

Questions for candidate Rudy Giuliani:

1. Do you think the way you cleaned up and whipped New York into shape will help you in your bid for the presidency? You became famous in the country for cleaning up that massive city.

2. Do you think your grit and mental fortitude after 9/11 in making strides in unifying the city of New York will help you in your bid for the presidency?

3. Journalists often speak and write of your personal life and your marriages. How do you put that in perspective in your bid for the presidency?

4. I read that you are Catholic, but pro-abortion. Do you think that will help or hurt? Have you thought of changing your stance due to the large number of Christians in America (70%).

5. America has its first Italian-American House Speaker. How would it feel to become the first Italian-American president?

Questions for candidate Fred Thompson:

1. As a television actor that gained acclaim on the forever running TV show Law And Order, do you think you can pull off a Ronald Reagan and become president?

2. Do you think your acting abilities will aid you in your bid for the presidency. To borrow a line from the movie Back To The Future, where Marty McFly goes back in time from the 80's to the 50's, and is asked by Dr. Brown, "Who is the President (of the United States) in 1985?" and responds, "Ronald Reagan" he is met with the statement, "No wonder your president is an actor. He has to look good on television."

3. Do you think having a young wife will help or hamper your bid for the presidency? People have commented online about her age and youthful appearance. How do you respond to that?

4. Is Hillary a lesbian like that book says? What have you heard?

Questions for candidate Sam Brownback:

1. You hold traditional views, but do you ever wish your last name was Greenback, instead of Brownback, cause it means money?

2. If elected, how would you improve America?

3. Is Hillary a lesbian like that book says? What have you heard?